Dear future primary care doctor

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Dear Doctor,

My Grandma just learned that Dr. Jones is leaving your group practice, and after questioning your staff she’s identified you as her replacement. Grandma visits the doctor a lot, so I encourage you to read over the enclosed checklist before agreeing to anything.

As my Grandma’s doctor, you should be able to:

  • Remember to answer to “doctor whoever”
  •  

  • When you remind her of your last name, look forward to a recap of your family genealogy from the Civil War forward
  •  

  • Withstand allergic reactions to sudden explosions of cat hair in the room
  •  

  • Plan on being informed about her tipped bladder, regardless of the reason for the visit
  •  

  • Know exaggeration when you hear it
  •  

  • Listen patiently to the tale of her 2005 bout with C. diff
  •  

  • Enjoy stories about life on the farm
  •  

  • Convincingly explain that blood transfusions from men don’t make women grow whiskers
  •  

  • Expect a 1-day delay on any urine sample as she won’t pee until the second she gets home from the doctor’s office
  •  

  • When no sample is required, plan on at least two bathroom breaks
  •  

  • Reassure her you’re not slipping her anything in her IV
  •  

  • Silently substitute “irregular heart beat” when she recounts her heart attack
  •  

  • Anticipate her swearing like a sailor if you take her blood pressure more than once
  •  

  • Resist questioning the purpose of the Kleenex ear flap tucked under one side of her hat

 
Thank you for reviewing this checklist. I look forward to your response.

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