Dear future primary care doctor


Dear Doctor,

My Grandma just learned that Dr. Jones is leaving your group practice, and after questioning your staff she’s identified you as her replacement. Grandma visits the doctor a lot, so I encourage you to read over the enclosed checklist before agreeing to anything.

As my Grandma’s doctor, you should be able to:

  • Remember to answer to “doctor whoever”

  • When you remind her of your last name, look forward to a recap of your family genealogy from the Civil War forward

  • Withstand allergic reactions to sudden explosions of cat hair in the room

  • Plan on being informed about her tipped bladder, regardless of the reason for the visit

  • Know exaggeration when you hear it

  • Listen patiently to the tale of her 2005 bout with C. diff

  • Enjoy stories about life on the farm

  • Convincingly explain that blood transfusions from men don’t make women grow whiskers

  • Expect a 1-day delay on any urine sample as she won’t pee until the second she gets home from the doctor’s office

  • When no sample is required, plan on at least two bathroom breaks

  • Reassure her you’re not slipping her anything in her IV

  • Silently substitute “irregular heart beat” when she recounts her heart attack

  • Anticipate her swearing like a sailor if you take her blood pressure more than once

  • Resist questioning the purpose of the Kleenex ear flap tucked under one side of her hat

Thank you for reviewing this checklist. I look forward to your response.


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